Блог парикмахера-колориста

Анекдоты на английском

Чт Янв 03, 2013 21:45

[  Настроение: Задорное ]

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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is a husband.
***
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, “When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me thesmaller; You don’t love me any more…”
“Nonsense, darling,” replied the husband, “you just cook better now. ”
Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on thetown.

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager:

'Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so oldand drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference. '

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of theirbusiness.

As they are walking home the first man says,

'You know, I think my girl was dead! '

'Dead? ' says his friend, 'Why do you say that? '

'Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her. ' His friend says,'Could be worse I think mine was a witch. '

'A witch ??. . why the hell would you say that? '

'Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then shefarted and flew out the window..... took my teeth with her! '
***
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bagspacked. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas. "

He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make$400. 00 a night doing what I give you for free".

He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porchand with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going? "

"I'm going too!! " he replied.

"Why? " She asked.

"I want to see how you are going to live on $800. 00 a year"!
***
"What time does the library open? " the man on the phone asked.

"Nine A. M. " came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of thenight to ask a question like that? "

"Not until nine A. M.? " the man asked in a disappointed* voice.
"No, not till nine A. M.! " the librarian said. "And why do you want to get in before nine A. M.? "

"Who said I wanted to get in? " the man at the other end of the wire sighed sadly. "I want toget out. "
***
Husband says; "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".
Wife replied; "What makes you think I'd want another man like you! "

Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump! "
The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor! "
The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious. "
***
Son - I want a baby brother .
Mom - your dad is overseas. When he comes back we will talk over it .
Son - why dont you give him a surprise ?
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A: I'm in a big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.
A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.
A: I don't have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don't have bread.
B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?!
***
A fat man meet a thin one. "From the looks of you," he said, "there must have been a famine."
"And from the looks of you," answered the thin one, "you're the man who caused it. "
***
A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news. "
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first. "
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live. "
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news? "
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday. "
***
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet God and asks God if he can ask him a fewquestions.
"Sure," God says, "Go right ahead".

"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty? "
God says, "So you would like them. "

"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful? "
"So you would love them", God replies.

The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads? "
God says, "So they would love you! "
***
The guy asks his girl:
"Honey, somebody told you ever how smart you are? "
"No one told. You will be first. "
"No, I will not. "
***
A bum asks a man for $2.
The man asked, "Will you buy booze? "
The bum said, "No. "
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away? "
The bum said, "No. "
Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to aman who doesn't drink or gamble? "
***
A woman selling apples in New York is puzzled by a man who always comes by, pays aquarter, but never picks up an apple. This goes on for some time until, one day, the womanruns after the man as he walks away. 'I know why you are chasing after me... you want to knowwhy I always pay a quarter but never take an apple,' the man says. The woman replies: 'No, Iwanted to tell you that the price has just gone up'.
***
A young lady comes to fortuneteller and asks:
- John and Bill are in love with me, could you tell me who will be lucky to marry me?
- John will be lucky, as it is Bill who will marry you...
***
A guy comes to get a job. The personnel manager said to him:
- The first 2 months you will earn the salary of $800 per month and later it will be $1,000.
- Well, I shall come to you after a couple of months later.